Could Cookie be the patron saint of our unapologetic posse? |
Recently, I apologized to a friend for dropping out of an
online comment thread in the middle, saying I was overwhelmed. He brought to my
attention the fact that I’m “unapologetic” and didn’t need to say sorry. I
replied that I did have to say sorry, because I did something wrong.
I can’t say where I first heard of the concept of unapologetic - it probably wasn't because of Rihanna, at least, not directly. I know that I'm influenced by The Body Is Not anApology, and Unapologetic Bitch has won a place in my fight song canon. Not that long
ago, LossLit called me an “unapologetic feminist, dulcet-toned poet, activist, film-maker, editor of Zestyverse, ” which I wish I’d written myself, and my twitter handle is currently "Unapologetic B."
Wherever it came from, I've embraced "unapologetic." But what is it?
Here are some things “unapologetic” means to me:
Unapologetic means not apologizing for being here. Not
apologizing for having been born, taking up space, existing while woman or person
of color, while plus size, trans, or disabled. It means no one has to apologize
for being a human being in this body at this time on this planet. Ever.
Unapologetic means not apologizing for how you feel. Ever.
Even if others’ around you do not feel that way.
Unapologetic means not apologizing for what you think, or
how you think it.
Unapologetic means not apologizing for speaking or writing
down your thoughts or feelings. This one is hard. I just read this great piece
on famous
quotes if women were trying to say them in a meeting. I so used to be that
girl. “I’m sorry, if I could just….” “I was just thinking, maybe…” I don’t do
that anymore. I try to use kind speech, but I don't caveat myself into a corner
or apologize. A guy I met after a gig emailed
me asking me for a drink. But also after the gig, this guy made a very
inappropriate comment, and knew it. It made me, and others there uncomfortable.
I wasn’t going to go out with someone who’d made me that uncomfortable, but as
I wrote back, I kept having to delete the “I’m sorry, but…” Each time I drafted
my response, it would try to creep back in. Why was I apologizing for holding
him accountable for his behavior?
Here are some things unapologetic does not mean to me:
Unapologetic does not mean you don’t apologize. Being
unapologetic is a way of being accountable, taking up space, being present. In
order to do this, it has to go both ways. This means when you speak in a
hurtful way, when you take an action that has a bad consequence, when you harm
yourself or someone else, when you don’t live up to your agreements, you
apologize. Not for being wrong, but
for doing wrong.
Unapologetic does not mean you get to go around and say
everything that comes in your head. That is having no filter and no boundaries.
Being unapologetic requires more mindfulness from me, not less. If I am going
to be in integrity and authenticity, if I am going to be honest in the moment,
I have to bring a very strong practice of mindfulness to bear on my
unapologetic words and actions.
Unapologetic means not apologizing for your needs, wants,
desires, dreams, life story, personal history, weaknesses, vulnerability,
identity, economic status, state of wellbeing or illness.
Unapologetic does not mean we are right. In fact, it frees us from having to be so. When I first
started writing for TBINAA, I was scared. I was going to be writing about
things that were hard to even speak about with friends. What gave me courage
was one sentence in the guidelines they sent to new writers: “We are not afraid
to be wrong.” I highlighted that and came back to it a lot. This was the most
liberating thing ever. I get to say what I want to say, without apologizing or
backtracking or making excuses. And if I’m wrong, or if I’m not, that’s where
the conversation starts. This is how we create dialogue, which is how we build
community. It might seem like the opposite, but unapologetic communication is the
first step in community building.
Being unapologetic isn’t for everyone. It means there will
be an end to hiding, a heightening of accountability, and especially when
dealing with online platforms, it can mean a lot of friction. For me, it’s
meant all that. But it’s also meant that I’m often sharing in ways that creates
empathy and connection between people. It’s meant that when I do apologize, it’s
from a place of making amends, rather than making excuses; it gives “I’m sorry”
its real power and meaning back.
It means that I don’t spend time wondering why I’m on the
planet, and can spend more time on what I’m meant to do now that I’m here. It’s
also meant a stripping away the filter between what I think and feel, and what
I’m willing to witness and testify to, which feels a little dangerous and like
an emperor’s new clothes kind of moment, but I think that’s how we go forward.
Maybe unapologetic is just having its moment, but I think it might be here to stay.
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